Thursday, July 30, 2015. New York City – I have been learning how our partners are our mirrors (everyone else is our mirror, too). Most of the times, people blame their spouses, point fingers, play the victim role. This is not helpful. We need to be grateful with our partners. They are helping us to grow and heal.
Tania Kotsos, in the article Everyone is your mirror. The greatest relationship secret says, “Learn to recognise yourself in other people. Everything and everyone is your mirror. It is only when you understand what it truly means to see yourself reflected back at you, that there is no room for blame, there is no room for judgement and there is no room to feel like a victim of another person’s actions or words. There is only room for real love based on understanding and gratitude. Compromise comes easy, forgiveness is a given and growth is inevitable. While this truth applies to all of your relationships, from your family, to your friends and colleagues, and even to those you deem your “enemy”, it is your relationship with your significant other that enables you to take the closest, most accurate look at who you are.”
The article, Projection: Can Toxic Shame Cause Someone To Project Their Issues Onto Others? by Oliver JR Cooper, says “When someone doesn’t face what is within them, there is the chance that it will end up being projected onto others. This is not bad per se, as this is a way for someone to realise what they need to work on.”
He adds, “…what they see externally is a reflection of what is taking place within them, it is going to mean that it won’t matter where they go or who they are with; their reality will always be the same. This is then the same as one believing that their shadow doesn’t belong to them, but in this case, they are rejecting their inner shadow.”
Mark E. Smith, LCSW, Founder of Family Tree Counseling Associates, says “The number one cause of divorce is victim mentality. The number two cause of divorce is victim mentality. The number three cause of divorce is victim mentality.” He adds, “It is not money. It is not in-laws. It is not sex. It is victim mentality.” (Watch Mark Smith’s videos bellow.)
“If we look in a mirror and see that our shirt is wrinkled, we don’t iron the mirror. We iron our shirt. It’s the same with our spouse,” says Tyler Ward in his article Why I fight my wife.
Psychiatrist Marina Benjamen, says in the article Marriage Myth: Spouses Can’t Change, “A fundamental law of relational theory is that when any part of a system changes, the entire system—meaning all other parts—will be forced to change in response. What this means in a marriage is that if I create a change in my own attitude and behavior, my spouse and the marriage itself will automatically be forced to change. This is a powerful truth to embrace but, unfortunately, most of us are so busy blaming our partners for their shortcomings that we neglect to assert our power to create the very changes we want.”
“…our relationships act as a mirror of ourselves. We tend to project onto others what we can not accept as yet in ourselves. One of the benefits of being in a conscious relationship with another is helping each other retrieve these lost and rejected parts. This is difficult work, and while much of the time rewarding, it can also be incredibly frustrating and uncomfortable. Knowing that one purpose of relationship is to heal these wounded parts of ourselves can go a long way in making the process less confusing,” says Elaine La Joie in her article “Relationship Mirror.”
“Since everyone is your reflection, you ended up with the perfect reflection of yourself. And of course, your mate mirrors those parts of you that you don’t accept as well as those parts of you that you love,” says Marie T. Russell in the article “I Married My Mirror”.
She adds, “At first, you may see only the positive side of the reflection, then after a few weeks (months, years, or in some cases days) you start seeing the dark side of the mirror. The side of yourself that you hate to admit you have, the criticizer, the one who wants everything done a certain way, the one who doesn’t like you at the weight or size you are, the one who thinks you need improving… So your mate is actually only reflecting or telling you what you are subconsciously telling yourself. Once you realize that and remember it in the ‘crisis times’, you are on the road to a beautiful relationship.”
The article, “My Husband Brings Out the Worst in Me” by Krishann Briscoe, says “I find myself humbled and grateful that I married a man who can help me see the less beautiful parts of who I am and love me enough to stand by my side as I work to address them — a man who is willing to help me do the work. He sounds like a Mr. Wonderful doesn’t he? He is pretty great.”
These videos are not related to the topic, but they can still help.
Toxic Shame-John Bradshaw – Healing The Shame That Binds You.
This is a playlist of 6 videos.
For the past four decades, John Bradshaw has combined his exceptional skills as the role of counselor, author, management consultant, theologian, philosopher, and public speaker, becoming one of the leading figures in the fields of addiction/recovery, family systems, relationships, Spiritual and emotional growth, and management training. John brought the phrases dysfunctional families and inner child into mainstream society. His dynamic training and therapies are practiced all over the world. A much sought out speaker, John has truly touched and transformed the lives of millions. He was elected by a group of his peers as ‘one of the most influential writers on emotional health in the 20th Century.’
John is the author of the New York Times #1 Best selling book: “HOMECOMING: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child” (I am reading this book).
The Pain Your Spouse Causes You Is A GIFT!
Mark Smith, LCSW shares the Family Tree paradigm emphasizing that there are no victims in marriage and the pain of marriage is an opportunity for personal growth and healing.
Romantic Love Heals Childhood Wounds.
Mark Smith, LCSW discusses the seeming harshness and severity of Mother Nature’s plan to cause us to be attracted to very cleverly disguised versions of the people who hurt you the most growing up. This video came from a writing prompt on Mary Oliver’s poem ‘At The Pond’
Mark Smith founded Family Tree Counseling Associates on September 5,1989. He has a B.A. in Sociology from Purdue University. He did his graduate work in Clinical Social Work with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy at Michigan State University. Many couples who have been stuck trying other approaches have gotten unstuck utilizing his directive, abrasive and intense style. Insight can shift the entire focus of a relationship.
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